Gabe's Rants

I should post something, huh?

2006-11-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

Hi Stacey.

A Sad Day For Hollywood

2006-01-29T23:23:00.000-05:00

The second best January debut of all time for a movie in the US was Martin Lawrence's Big Momma's House 2. That's it folks. See ya. I'm moving to Canada.

link

Every Man's Dream Come True

2006-01-29T23:17:00.000-05:00

It can refrigerate up to six cans of beer, two mugs, and with a simple push of a button it will pour a beer into the mug with perfect head every time.

A Little Old, But What Do You Want From Me

2006-01-18T22:29:00.000-05:00

Chronicals of Narnia SNL Rap

This Better Be Good

2006-01-17T23:08:00.000-05:00

My first post in like 20 months. No pressure or anything. So check out this site: Bonsai Kitten

Basic premise: you take a kitten, stuff it in a glass jar, and in a few weeks you have a custom square kitty.

(calm down cat lovers. it's not a serious thing)

Hi Everybody

2005-12-31T00:12:00.000-05:00

Who misses me?

Where Have I Been?

2005-11-09T22:31:00.000-05:00

That's not important. What is important is that while I've been in this blog-free state (no, not Utah), this blog hit the 10,000 view mark. So thanks to everyone who stopped by, said "Eh? What is this crap?", and moved on.

A Sign I Saw In a Deli

2005-11-09T22:29:00.000-05:00

Eschew Obfuscation

If you get it, then congrats, you passed the SATs

[Insert Funny Caption Here]

2005-10-31T21:55:00.000-05:00

This is a real bathroom in New Zealand (click image for more info)

I'm Mad At Kids

2005-10-31T21:43:00.000-05:00

I bought a good amount candy, but tonight no kids came by.
No scary kids, no crazy kids, no bullies made me cry.
What's the point of Halloween if you don't hear "Trick-Or-Treat"?
Stupid kids left all this tasty candy for me to eat.

Mmmmmm candy

(To those of you who were wondering, this post proves I'm still alive. Three cheers for that.)

Ma Would Be So Proud

2005-10-12T00:10:00.000-04:00

I read a book! I read a book! Thanks for everyone's suggestions. I ended up going with Angels and Demons. It was a great book. I read all 580 pages of it. It really got me thinking about how ambigrams effect society. I think that was the point of the book.

Please Stop Saying Oprah Is So Generous

2005-10-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

Oprah gave her whole audience brand new cars. Oprah gave two women $50k for nabbing a convict. Wrong and.... wrong. Oprah seems like a nice lady and all (when she's not busy accusing stores of being racist because they didn't her in after hours. christ, i still can't believe the cajones on her for that one), but I'm really getting annoyed hearing about Oprah's generosity. Here's the thing:

1) There are much better ways to help the world than by giving cars to women who can't even afford the taxes on them. What about giving cars to men who can't afford taxes on them?

2) OPRAH ISN'T THE ONE PAYING FOR THESE THINGS.

Pontiac, not Oprah, Pontiac gave those cars away. Oprah's show was just the medium on which they were given. It was a publicity stunt by Pontiac, and it worked like a charm. And as for this $50k reward the news is talking about today link- it was Oprah's show, not Oprah, who gave them the prize money. The producers (and probably Oprah) said "hey, let's give some of our sponsor money to these deserving women." Oprah didn't say "hey, let me write them a check with my own hard earned money." See the difference? Giving away presents that other people paid for and taking sole credit for it isn't exactly the kindest gesture. I'm not saying Oprah is hiding these facts, just that nobody really seems to notice it.

And I'm sure Oprah is a nice lady and does plenty of community service and makes charitable contributions with her own money. She sure seems like the type. I'm just saying that the publicity stunts are just that, publicity stunts. So let's move on and stop being conned. Let Oprah be charitable on her own time and on her on dime.

PS Oprah, we're still on for golf on Sunday, right?

Busy Astronauts

2005-10-10T21:06:00.000-04:00

Ever wonder what it looks like to pop a water balloon in zero gravity? link

Mamma Mia

2005-10-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

Baseball double headers happen all the time. That's because, as everyone knows, baseball requires no physical exertion. That's why it's not considered a sport according to most major dictionaries.

Football is different. After playing a football game, you get a whole week to recover. The only logical conclusion is football is played by wusses. But not these guys. Instead of waiting a week, they decided to wait 2 hours before playing their next game. A football double header. What'll they think of next? link

Recent Searches That Took Someone To My Blog

2005-10-05T22:55:00.000-04:00

What helps you see a night that is in carrots?

Kenny chesney outted

And the always popular: How to make your penis smaller

People are weird.

Weird Bumpersticker

2005-09-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

Don't Worry. God's In Control.

Every day I see dozens of religious bumperstickers. I'd say 3/4 of the bumper stickers I see are Jesus based, 1/4 are political, and then there's the occasion "My son is an honor role student so please stop beating him up" sticker.

Usually the stickers I see say something like "Jesus is the Christ" or the classic "Jesus loves you". Well actually, they all say "Jesus es el Christo" or "Jesus te amo". But you get the drift- they're Jesus lovers who follow the idea that you should help your neighbor from becoming damned by showing him the way of the Lord.

But "Don't Worry. God's In Control." I found that to be such an interesting one. Was it serious or sarcastic? I couldn't tell. I thought Judea-Christian religions teach you to be proactive- that God won't help you unless you make an effort to help yourself. So it clearly couldn't be a Jew or a Christian who feels this way. The guy driving the car sure looked like an all-American boy (aka Christian). And I'm an expert at recognizing Christians. I can just go out to any old street in Kansas and pick out 10 people who I think are Christian, and I'm usually right over 80% of the time!

So what do you guys think? Was this guy a cynic? Or does he actually just never worry because God is in control? Either way, you'll be pleased to know I ran him off the road.... twice!

Business as Usual

2005-09-28T10:11:00.000-04:00

I'm sure by now you've heard that the Supreme Court is considering having the Anna Nicole Smith case come before them. I'm sure they have some official sounding reason for hearing the case. Something about probates and federal vs state something or other. My theory, though, is that the Supreme Court is just as disgusted by her as the rest of the country, and they want to give her a big fat legal ass-whoopin. Please let that be the real reason. link

Time to Become a Republican

2005-09-27T15:22:00.000-04:00

The Democratic party has officially lost my vote, at least when it comes to voting for my next senator. Because coming soon, to a ballot near me.... Ben Affleck (D) link

That's right, the man best known for being 1/2 of a couple, may run for senate. God bless America!

Hmm

2005-09-26T10:41:00.000-04:00

They're doing construction on the floor above me right now. It sounds a lot like techno. I don't like techno.

This Just In: CNN Is Smrt

2005-09-22T14:51:00.000-04:00

On the home page of CNN.com, in the main story, it says:

On a road between Austin and Texas people pushed cars in the slow moving traffic to save gas

Step 1: Laugh that people are pushing their cars to save gas
Step 2: Look back again and figure out where that road would go
Step 3: Thank Jason for pointing that out

Martyr

2005-09-22T11:11:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure where this question came from, but who do you think is the most famous martyr of all time besides Jesus? This discussion would be way too short if we were allowed to include him.

Some that come to mind are MLK, Joan of Arc, and Socrates. Who would you pick?

A Little R&R

2005-09-22T09:55:00.000-04:00

This year's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees are: (drum roll... wait, this is r&r. 5 minute drum solo!)

John "Sometimes Cougar" Mellencamp
Grandmaster Flash (well known for his monster ballads)
Miles "Peein' Your Pants Is Cool" Davis (i stole that joke from fark)
Blondie

So that makes one rock mogul, one rap mogul, one jazz mogul, and one, uhhhh blondie. Lee? Markie? Someone? Lil help on the whole Blondie thing.

I'll Never Be Rich. Yay!

2005-09-21T10:47:00.000-04:00

Do you have what it takes to be a billionaire?

I don't. It says I have what it takes to be Joe Salariman. Working the ole 40x40x40 plan (40 hours a week * 40 weeks a year * 40 years). Yay!

(thanks Heather)

I Don't Get It

2005-09-21T10:26:00.000-04:00

I'm not a NASCAR fan, but I am a fan of other sports, so I understand people can get obsessed. I'm not here to mock NASCAR fans, even if their sport is nothing more than turning left for hundreds of miles.

So this week a driver, Robby Gordon, got pissed off and threw his helmet at Michael Waltrip's car. Unlike in hockey, this kind of thing doesn't happen every day. There was suddenly a lot of interest in obtaining this special helmet, so he decided to auction it off, with proceeds going to help Katrina victims. Good for him.

Now keep in mind the average NASCAR fan makes $10,000 a year and would love nothing more than to put his seed in his father's daughter's belly. So how much do you think this special helmet will sell for? $10,000 would be a hefty sum. $50,000 would be amazing. But this is for charity, so who knows, maybe someone would bid even $100,000.

Well, as of the time I'm writing this, the highest bid is currently over $10 million! That's more than 3 times what Mark Mcguire's record setting homerun ball sold for. For you NASCAR fans, that's 10 with more 0s next to it than you have teeth! Wow. Good job Robby, whoever you are.

Update: The helmet is now only $50k. Me thinks there were some fake bidders.

They're Rich. Let's Sue

2005-09-20T12:19:00.000-04:00

Suing is fun:

A Texas woman has sued ABC's popular reality show "Extreme Makeover" for more than $1 million claiming among other things that an abrupt cancellation of her appearance on the program led to her sister's [suicide]. link

What's Your Favorite Novel?

2005-09-20T11:47:00.000-04:00

I'm looking for a novel to read. The last one I read was Da Vinci Code. In fact, that's the only novel I've ever read all the way through (not counting all of those lovely novels my english teachers made me read). So what's a great and entertaining book? I'm willing to consider anything that isn't designed to appeal to Hugh Grant lovers.

Just Like The Chevy Nova

2005-09-20T10:50:00.000-04:00

On the left is a picture from a Burger King ice cream cone.
On the right is the Arabic inscription for Allah.

I think it's obvious. The Burger King is an Arab who used his oil money to start up a multi-billion dollar fast food chain in the name of Allah. He's so sneaky. But not as sneaky as the Hamburgler.

Hot Stock Tip: Hit Yourself In The Head With An Iron

2005-09-19T15:38:00.000-04:00

A new study shows people with brain damage, specifically "functional psychopaths", aka "people without emotions" are better at investments than normal people. The reason is functional psychopaths are more willing to take calculated risks. So next time you're not sure whether to buy a stock, beat the living crap out of someone, then ask him. You'll be glad you did. And that's one to grow on.

link

Science Can Be Interesting

2005-09-16T11:46:00.000-04:00

Trying to hide or control your emotions during an emotional event will make it harder to remember.... according to a study with limited volunteers which didn't take into account countless other variables.

link

Pop Quiz

2005-09-16T09:38:00.000-04:00

Is this:

a) A new mp3 player
b) The controller to the upcoming Nintendo Revolution gaming system
c) A pizza

7 minute aaaabs

2005-09-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

From the Department of Gee, I Didn't See That Coming:

1998 Gillette introduces the Mach 3. The world's first 3 blade razor.
2003 Schick counters with the Quattro. A 4 blade razor.

Now, everyone over the age of 4, please leave the room. Okay, now that it's just us kids here, what comes next. 3, then 4, then....?

link

Now That's A Real Man

2005-09-14T09:41:00.000-04:00

You're playing soccer. You get tackled and find there's a huge gash in your one-eyed willy. Your shorts are soaked with blood. Do you:

a) lie down and scream like a little girl
b) have an ambulance take you to a hospital ASAP
c) have the team physician give you six penis stiches, and get right back in the game

link

heh. penis stiches. ouch.

FSM

2005-09-13T12:39:00.000-04:00

By this point, any self respecting geek knows all about the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but just in case you are not a geek or you are a geek who doesn't respect yourself, I just wanted to fill you in. Short of it- some guy got annoyed that the Kansas School Board was voting to give equal time to teaching Intelligent Design along with Evolution, so he wrote an open letter to the school board. It's quite elegant.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

2005-09-12T17:06:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah. I've been slacking. I know. No blog posts in awhile. My bad. I'll try to be gooder in the future.

Really? But I Thought Britney Was A Genius!

2005-09-06T13:59:00.000-04:00

I read the Kabbalah books and I meditate on them. They are all in Hebrew. I don’t understand everything. But it’s kind of OK that you don’t.

-Britney Spears (link)

Worst idea ever?

2005-09-06T12:22:00.000-04:00

Ratings for awards shows haven't been doing so well lately. Could it be the fact that there are 200 different awards shows these days? Nah, it's just that they don't relate to today's tv audiences. How do you fix that? Duh. You mix a little American Idol in with your reality shows.

We've all wondered what would happen when you get William Shatner to sing with a classically trained opera singer. Will the world explode or will it implode? We'll find out soon enough. Donald Trump, the Donald, one of the richest, most powerful men in the country will do the classic Green Acres theme song. Oh Christ. But who will do the better job? Tune in to this year's Emmies to find out. Oh Emmies, how far you have fallen. link

2005-08-31T20:33:00.000-04:00

Is it sad that I think it's funny that Julia just finished a book by Jennifer Weiner. Heh. Weiner.

2005-08-31T09:51:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure I saw Elija Wood today. He was driving behind me in a Ford Focus. He was wearing a tie and pulled into an office building. He didn't look happy to be there. If I was Elija Wood, I wouldn't be happy if I was driving a Focus, wearing a tie, and going to an office either.

Katrina

2005-08-31T09:43:00.000-04:00

Grab some headphones (sound isn't safe for work) and go here.

And while we're on the subject, in case you didn't know, this is one of those times when it's good to give a little. redcross.org

2005-08-30T14:23:00.000-04:00

My wife has recently gotten lazy, or as she calls it, "pregnant".

-Jim Gaffigan

2005-08-30T13:00:00.000-04:00

"It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word."
-- Andrew Jackson

(thanks Lee)

2005-08-26T11:16:00.000-04:00

Ahhh the sound of a silent blog. So peaceful...

Typoglycemia

2005-08-24T17:08:00.000-04:00

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid ! Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteers be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

(thanks, Mel)

2005-08-23T19:37:00.000-04:00

No blogging today or tomorrow. Back on Thursday....

It's Official, She's Odd

2005-08-22T13:24:00.000-04:00

Sorry for yet another Courtney Love post, but get this. She just got pregnant by Alan Partridge. God help that kid! link

Best Shows On TV

2005-08-22T10:10:00.000-04:00

(according to TV Week) link

1. Lost
2. Desperate Housewives
3. Deadwood
4. Arrested Development
5. The Shield

Worst Shows:

1. Fear Factor
2. The Bachelor
3. The Simple Life: Interns
4. Stacked
5. Britney and Kevin

Discuss.

2005-08-22T09:50:00.000-04:00

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.
-Chuck Reid

2005-08-19T16:45:00.000-04:00

Isn't there some rule that it's not allowed to rain on fridays?

Et tu Courtney?

2005-08-19T14:55:00.000-04:00

Fresh on the heals of Raffy Palmeiro lying about never using steroids, comes this shocker. After repeatedly claiming to be drug free for over a year, Courney Love admitted to using drugs. In related news, Paris Hilton just admitted to having sex.

I have the whole weekend to myself. What should I do?

2005-08-19T10:56:00.000-04:00

Educashunamul thingies our funtastik!

2005-08-18T16:15:00.000-04:00

If anyone likes physics, there's a pretty nice website by NOVA (PBS) about the 100th anniversary of E=mc2. As an interesting side, did you know Einstein actually stole the idea of relativity from a man named Smith? It's true. Family Guy says so.

2005-08-18T10:46:00.000-04:00

The single most effective medication ever created is the placebo pill.

2005-08-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

Why do some people still believe in Astrology?

The Patent Office Rules

2005-08-17T10:29:00.000-04:00

Timeline:
2001: Apple introduces the ipod to the world.
2002: Microsoft patents a scroll wheel interface just like the one used on the ipod.
2002: 6 months later, Apple tries to patent the scroll wheel interface just like the one used on the ipod.

Since Microsoft already had a patent on it, Apple's patent request was rejected. Apple really should've said patent pending!

In a related story, I have a patent request in for trees. Think of all the money I could make off those damn arboretums.

2005-08-17T09:33:00.000-04:00

I saw a middle aged white woman driving an SUV with a kid in the car and a soccer ball bumper sticker on the back. I thought "You're perpetuating a negative stereotype!"

Big News

2005-08-15T10:26:00.000-04:00

There's a new coffee maker in the kitchen. It makes cappuccinos, mochachinos, chocochinos, and more! This could be the greatest thing to happen to the labor force since the invention of the union.

I Thought I Was Done Hating Her

2005-08-15T00:16:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought you thought you were finally able to stop caring, Paris whips out this gem. Aparently her dog, Tinkerbell, has been given the axe. Paris has broken up with her teacup Chihuahua because it has gotten too big (because she feed it junk food and didn't exercise it enough). She replaced Tink with a smaller version of the same dog.

It's funny- I really don't care at all what's going on with celebrity gossip, but somehow Paris keeps managing to do things that really piss me off. She broke up with a pet because it put on a few pounds. Wow. Just... wow.

2005-08-11T11:47:00.000-04:00

A breakfast bar is neither a breakfast nor a bar. Discuss.

I Think They Missed The Point

2005-08-11T09:35:00.000-04:00

In July, as teams of poverty-stricken soccer players from around the world showed up in Scotland for the ''Homeless World Cup,'' immigration officials denied entry to players from Kenya, Zambia, Burundi, Cameroon and Nigeria because they lacked funds for lodging and meals during the tournament. link

Dear Abbey,

2005-08-10T18:41:00.000-04:00

The New Testament is hardly new, but the pope refuses to have an audience with me about changing its name. What should I do?

Signed,
Blasphemous in Blacksburg

2005-08-10T14:51:00.000-04:00

I bet graham crackers get insulted when they're grouped into the same cracker family as saltines.

2005-08-10T13:49:00.000-04:00

There's an actual court case called "United States v. Lucite ball containing lunar material."

What's In Your Wallet?

2005-08-10T13:40:00.000-04:00

Now that we've all had our trip to outer space- What? You didn't pay the $20 mil for the trip? Holding out for something better? Well, for a mear $100 mil, you can net yourself a trip to the moon. link

Don't have the money? Uggh you're such a peasant. Well, you can always visit the moon online with Google Moon. link

2005-08-10T13:06:00.000-04:00

The difference between men and women is that most men aren't stereotypical men.
-Gabe

What ethnicity is an orangeman anyway? It is a racial slur, right? It sure sounds like one.

2005-08-10T11:34:00.000-04:00

I love it when political correctness backfires.

Florida State, Illinois and Utah are among 18 schools with an American Indian nickname or logo that will be prohibited by the NCAA from displaying them in postseason events, starting in February.

Clearly the NCAA is trying to appeal to the native americans who have been insulted and offended by savage imagery that results from logos and mascots. But what happens when, in Florida State's case, the Seminole tribe actually endorses the use of their name? Well, they get insulted and offended. link

Irony's a bitch, huh?

2005-08-10T09:34:00.000-04:00

Have you ever seen the movie Bride and Prejudice? If not, you're lucky.

2005-08-10T09:32:00.000-04:00

The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder

2005-08-09T16:24:00.000-04:00

A good speed reading book should allow you to speed read it without knowing how to speed read.

You Just Can't Find Good Help These Days

2005-08-09T15:28:00.000-04:00

I ordered a corned beef sandwhich like a good jew- with mustard on rye. How did it arrive? With mayo, lettuce, tomato, and onion on toasted rye. What kind of crap sandwhich is that? In retrospect, it was a good thing because the corned beef was so cheap that it tasted like ham. And like a good jew, I enjoy my ham wih mayo, lettuce, tomato, and onion on toasted rye.

And you thought cheerleaders were only good for fantasies

2005-08-09T00:19:00.000-04:00

Pop quiz: What happens when a cheerleading squad witnesses a crime?

Answer: They remember the facts by turning it into a cheer.

I shit you not. link

Apparently this was so newsworthy that it made it onto the Today show. If I were them, I'd have WRITTEN IT DOWN. Uggh. Seriously- there was a coach and a group of high school girls and not one of them had paper or a cell phone? I think not.

Let's get back to discussing more important issues like wearing flip flops at the White House.

2005-08-08T16:10:00.000-04:00

Seriously funny t-shirts. link

Thanks Lee

2005-08-08T16:07:00.000-04:00

Canadians are just Mexicans with sweaters
-Dave Fulton

Some laws confuse me

2005-08-08T15:50:00.000-04:00

As I see people drive down the street with one hand on the wheel and the other hand on a burger or a cigarette or a book or makeup, I wonder to myself "what's the big deal about a hands-free device for my cell phone?"

Dear Scientists,

2005-08-08T14:55:00.000-04:00

Back in elementary school, a teacher once described Camelot as being a beautiful utopia where everything was perfect- everyone got along, it never rained, etc. Being the smart ass that I am sometimes, I asked the teacher "If it was a desert, where did they get their food from?" She responded by saying it does rain, but only at night. I'm not sure why she described Camelot that way, but regardless, I think she was on to something. Why should it rain during the day? What's the advantage? Wouldn't it be much easier on us all if it rained at night? We can put a man on the moon, but we can't find a way to make a giant bubble around major cities that absorbs rainfall during the day and releases it in the evenings? You suck scientists. Get on it!

Patent pending.

From The Department of Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

2005-08-08T10:05:00.000-04:00

Picture this. You're entire family was wiped out my militant overlords. You meet a girl of a similar fate. You fall in love, get married, have a few kids. Miraculously, years later you find out your mother is actually alive and well. And it's also your wife's mother. Turns out you married your sister. Ewwww. link

Funny blurb about a dude caught camcordering a movie in a theater.

2005-08-05T12:32:00.000-04:00

link

Now That's Just Cool

2005-08-05T11:59:00.000-04:00

What is your fireplace powered by?

Wood? That's so 10th century.
Gas? That's so 20th century.
Water? Now we're talking.

We all know from 10th grade science class that if you apply electricity to water, you end up in the hospital. But we also learned it can separate water into hydrogen and oxygen. And as we all know from the Hindenburg, hydrogen is combustable. (for those of you who are thinking "but it wasn't the hydrogen, it was the flamable material used for the shell of the blimp", I say to you "SHUT UP").

Anyway, bottom line, somebody came out with an electric fireplace that burns water. link

Dear Gas Prices,

2005-08-05T09:36:00.000-04:00

You've changed! I liked you better the way you were before. You should really think about changing back before I end up moving on.

Your former good friend,
Gabe

2005-08-04T14:32:00.000-04:00

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.

At the dinner that night, the first course served was matzo ball soup. George W. looked at this and after learning what it was called, he told an aide that he couldn't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide told George W. that Mr. Sharon would be insulted if he doesn't, at least, taste it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate a sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl, and retrieved a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitated, then swallowed.

A big grin appeared on his face. He discovered that he really liked it, so he proceeded to dig right in and finish the whole bowl.

"That was delicious!" Bush said to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls ?

-Thanks Julia

Dog Cloning For Profit

2005-08-04T13:52:00.000-04:00

So they cloned a dog. Good for them. They are doing amazing things these days. It's only a matter of time before someone decides to clone the world's ugliest dog so they can keep winning the World's Ugliest Dog Competition for generations to come.

In case you're wondering, yes, it is tough being this brilliant.

Silly Bush. Just Stop Talking

2005-08-04T13:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday 14 Marines died in a road-side bomb. Bush's response was "this shows just how ruthless the enemy is." The enemy is ruthless for killing soldiers during a war. Oooookay. Not sure I follow.

Who wants to poke holes in his statemet? I'll give you a clue: If it's ruthless when they kill our soldiers, then when we kill their soldiers....

2005-08-04T10:54:00.000-04:00

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
-Dave Barry

Now That's Just Sad

2005-08-03T23:07:00.000-04:00

I just realized the word celebrity is based on the word celebrate. Seriously. I just realized it. How come they never taught me that in linear algebra or advanced set theory??

Dear Thompson English Muffins,

2005-08-03T21:04:00.000-04:00

Do you ever grow mold?

Sincerely,
Gabe

When was the last time you started eating something only to realize it was spoiled

2005-08-03T19:30:00.000-04:00

Did You Know

2005-08-03T16:08:00.000-04:00

The oldest popcorn ever found was in New Mexico and was over 4,000 years old. And you thought all the good inventions came after Jesus.

A Law Proposal

2005-08-03T16:03:00.000-04:00

There should be a law that anyone who makes a global warming joke about a hot day should be shot immediately.

Kim Jong-il is actually James Bond

2005-08-03T15:12:00.000-04:00

North Korea's "Dear Leader" flies jet fighters, pens operas, produces movies, has a world-class memory, and are you read for this? He shot 11 holes-in-one on the first round of golf he ever played. Kim Jong-il is obviously the most impressive man to ever exist. Meanwhile W chokes on pretzels and falls off bikes.

You gotta love propaganda.

Headlines

2005-08-03T14:38:00.000-04:00

I saw a headline that said "Scientists clone man's best friend". I instantly conjured up images of some scientist going out to West Virginia and finding some guy named Earl, asking who Earl's best friend was, and then cloning some dude name Frank. Earl would be so happy. Sadly, this story was about a dog.

This Lame Joke Brought To You By The Fruit And Vegetable Council

2005-08-02T00:29:00.000-04:00

If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry

2005-08-02T00:21:00.000-04:00

I bet cockroaches can't wait for a nuclear war

2005-08-02T00:20:00.000-04:00

Why would a farmer name his dog Bingo? It's such a dumb name.

Hemingway Was Good With Words? Nah.

2005-08-02T00:09:00.000-04:00

Lee alerted me to this:

There is a legend that one night at their regular round table meeting at the Algonquin Hotel, Ernest Hemingway said to William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Dorothy Parker and the other literary all-stars in attendance "I'll bet each of you ten dollars that I can write a novel in only six words." Hemingway jotted six words. It read: "Baby shoes for sale. Never used."

Hemingway collected on the bet.

Slow polks suck

2005-08-01T14:08:00.000-04:00

Lastnight on my way home, I was stuck behind some impressively slow moving traffic. We came to a red light and I decided to time how fast it took us to get up to the speed limit, 45mph. I understand that gas prices are high and some people are trying to save an extra $1 per month by driving their civics slower, but it took them 80 seconds to get to 45mph. And what's worse, it was a two lane road and both front cars were doing it. Did I mention I hate it when people drive slow in the left lane? We really need to go back to the days where people could lose their license for slowing down the cars behind them. I heard they did something like that in one state. If there were more than three cars behind you, you have to pull over and let them pass. I wish I knew what state that was. I'd like to live there. Stupid DC traffic.

This Just In: Bread is Irresistible

2005-08-01T11:18:00.000-04:00

The Atkins company just filed for bankruptcy. link
Later I'll interview the 3 people in this country who didn't see this coming.

England = US

2005-08-01T09:42:00.000-04:00

So aparently England IS the US. I heard a story this weekend about a controversy brewing in England after the BBC aired a play based on Jerry Springer. The play borders on being over the line for public television because there is a scene in which Jesus, Mary, and Satan have a Springer-esque encounter. Some people consider that blasphemous. Fair enough.

"What about the freedom of free speech?" asked one BBC exec.
"What about my freedom from being offended?" responded some hard core Christian dude.

Freedom from being offended? Wow. Can you imagine if that actually existed. Pretty much everything would be illegal except kittens. A world with nothing but kittens. Creepy. Cute, but creepy.

Top 10

2005-07-28T23:57:00.000-04:00

Top 10 web fads of all time according to cnet. It's a pretty good list.
link

Cali Pictures

2005-07-28T19:17:00.000-04:00

There's a lot of them

I'm Back

2005-07-28T10:27:00.000-04:00

I'm back from my whirlwind tour of California. Details and pictures to come later.

Stupid McDonalds

2005-07-21T13:20:00.000-04:00

Since when are chicken nuggets made out of fish and served in sandwhich form?

	Watch a bunch of chick flicks but tell everyone I watched Godfather
	Read 2 books but tell everyone I watched Godfather
	Try to get skin cancer at the pool
	Rent an xbox/ps3/gamecube and play the Barbie game, but tell everyone I played the Godfather game
	Shower at least once

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	About 10 minutes ago
	Recently
	Not for a long long time
	Uhhh never
	Recently. But I didn't realize it until an hour after I finished eating

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